Types of Discipline
Discipline is more than just correcting behaviors. It’s a way to teach your child to be able to self-regulate. With effective and appropriate discipline, you will ensure that your child will have the proper tools to take care of themselves throughout life.
Age-Appropriate Discipline
One key feature of a positive approach is to consider age differences. Some discipline strategies work better with different ages.
Some former service members can find it hard to develop flexibility in parenting discipline. In the military, strict standards of work well for most things, including discipline, but this can backfire with parenting. Sometimes, a more flexible approach can be more effective, especially when you take into account that children at different ages need different things.
Some activities are not optional. Avoid offering choices for tasks that must happen, such as taking a bath or putting on a coat in cold or rainy weather. Offering a choice in these situations can create confusion and resistance. The following guidelines can help with understanding expectations based on age:
discipline guidelines
Babies need safety and reassurance, not discipline. Crying or fussing means an infant needs you in some way, not that they are being “bad.” Remember, you can’t spoil babies.
Toddlers respond best to praise and attention. Distract your child or remove them from the situation when they misbehave. When necessary, give immediate and simple consequences that are related to the behavior. Some possible consequences could include removing a toy, ending an activity, or redirecting attention.
Preschoolers are learning through talking and reasoning. Help them label their emotions by acknowledging their feelings and giving them the words to express themselves. Begin teaching simple coping skills, like deep breathing, counting to calm down, or saying, “I’m mad because…” instead of acting out. Praise positive behavior, keep rules simple, and stay consistent with consequences. Time-outs can be helpful—just limit them to about one minute per year of age.
School-age children are growing in self-control and their ability to make choices. Begin to involve them in setting rules and consequences. Give them the chance to “make things right” when they break rules. Gradually increase responsibilities.
Time-outs should focus on reflection, not punishment: “Take a few minutes in your room to think about what happened and how you can handle it differently next time.” Keep a time-out to one minute per year of age. See more on this topic below.
Model the behavior you expect from your children. Teenagers are especially aware of differences between what you SAY and DO. With teenagers, listen more than you talk. A parenting goal should be guiding them toward more independent decision-making. Natural consequences can be helpful for learning. But remember, it’s important to set boundaries and rules for safety, because teenagers’ brains are still not fully developed.
Babies need safety and reassurance, not discipline. Crying or fussing means an infant needs you in some way, not that they are being “bad.” Remember, you can’t spoil babies.
Toddlers respond best to praise and attention. Distract your child or remove them from the situation when they misbehave. When necessary, give immediate and simple consequences that are related to the behavior. Some possible consequences could include removing a toy, ending an activity, or redirecting attention.
Preschoolers are learning through talking and reasoning. Help them label their emotions by acknowledging their feelings and giving them the words to express themselves. Begin teaching simple coping skills, like deep breathing, counting to calm down, or saying, “I’m mad because…” instead of acting out. Praise positive behavior, keep rules simple, and stay consistent with consequences. Time-outs can be helpful—just limit them to about one minute per year of age.
School-age children are growing in self-control and their ability to make choices. Begin to involve them in setting rules and consequences. Give them the chance to “make things right” when they break rules. Gradually increase responsibilities.
Time-outs should focus on reflection, not punishment: “Take a few minutes in your room to think about what happened and how you can handle it differently next time.” Keep a time-out to one minute per year of age. See more on this topic below.
Model the behavior you expect from your children. Teenagers are especially aware of differences between what you SAY and DO. With teenagers, listen more than you talk. A parenting goal should be guiding them toward more independent decision-making. Natural consequences can be helpful for learning. But remember, it’s important to set boundaries and rules for safety, because teenagers’ brains are still not fully developed.
Corrective vs. Punitive Discipline
While all discipline strategies aim to encourage a child to recognize rules and behave appropriately, some disciplinary techniques are more effective than others. Some may also worsen behavior or cause negative consequences.
Select each tab below to review the differences between different types of discipline.
Corrective vs. Punitive Discipline
Corrective discipline is meant to change behavior, both in the moment and later. It helps children learn better decision-making so they can make good choices on their own.
It also recognizes the difference between a mistake and intentional misbehavior. Sometimes it’s best to let natural consequences become teachable moments, but only when it is safe. It can still be frustrating when your child makes a mess or forgets something important. Taking a moment to calm down before responding helps you act thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally.
Punitive punishment is different from corrective discipline in a couple of important ways. It tends to be harsh in comparison to the problem it is trying to fix. Another issue with this type of punishment is that it is not connected to the child’s actions. An example of this type of punishment would be if a child did not turn in a homework assignment and they then had to stay in their room every night for a month. In contrast, a corrective punishment would likely be shorter and connected to their school work.
Punitive punishments may make children obey quickly, but they can cause worse behavior in the long run, as well as aggression or anxiety, because kids don’t understand how the punishment relates to their actions.
Other Options for Discipline
Select the video below to see how it’s possible to overcome a history of harsh punishment and choose other options for discipline.
Strategies for Effective Discipline
Once you have considered your child’s behavior, you can identify strategies to help your child.
Select the arrow below to review different strategies.
Attention
Giving attention means showing interest in, talking with, and spending time with your children. You can model the behavior you want and make a point of paying attention to your child when they are doing what you want and expect of them.
Praise
Praise is focused, immediate, and specific, helping children understand valued behaviors. Instead of general praise, recognize specific actions (e.g., “Thanks for picking up your toys”). Aim for five positive comments for each corrective one.
Reward
Rewards are things your child values and enjoys. Observing their interests helps you choose meaningful rewards to reinforce positive behavior. Your time and attention are the most powerful rewards of all.
Immediacy
Discipline is better when it occurs immediately after the behavior. If a child throws a tantrum and the parent takes away a privilege later than that day, the punishment will be less likely to have the desired effect.
Consistency
Consequences work only when consistent. If a child only loses video game privileges half the time they refuse to do their chores, they may continue to act out. Just like adults! If you only get a ticket for speeding 1% of the time you speed, you may keep on speeding.
Contingency
For consequences to be most effective to change a behavior, they should be directly linked to the behavior that needs to be changed. For example, if a teen gets a speeding ticket, a linked consequence would be taking away driving privileges for a week.
The Value of Corrective Discipline
Select this video to see how one Veteran and his family learned to implement effective discipline.
Specific Discipline Strategies
Below are several discipline strategies that many parents have found to be helpful. There are six different strategies so you can try several and find the ones that fit the best for you, your child, and your child’s developmental stage.
Creating a Reward System
A reward chart is a strategy that can encourage positive behaviors in children. When you give rewards for desired behaviors, children learn to continue the behaviors, and it can even be fun! Reward charts give children a good sense of responsibility and makes things feel predictable and stable.
Select the arrow below to view the steps in creating a reward system.
1. Choose a Focus
Start by choosing one to three behaviors to focus on to keep things simple and avoid confusion. Be specific—vague phrases like “be good” don’t provide clear direction. It is okay to have a few big “No-Nos” like “No Hitting.” However, try to use positive phrasing that lets your child know what to do rather than what not to do.
2. Identify the Behavior
Identify the behavior you want to continue or change. Determine reward frequency based on your child’s needs. Use a chart or token system to track progress and provide feedback at set times or specific parts of the day.
3. Identify Rewards
Rewards are meaningful items or activities your child values. While sticker charts work for young children, older children prefer rewards like extra screen time, choosing dinner, or an extra story. Involve your child by asking what they’d like to earn.
4. Establish a Goal
Set realistic goals for rewards, like a daily goal for younger kids (“Earn three checkmarks today, and we’ll play a game after dinner”) or a weekly goal for older kids (“Get five checkmarks for timely homework, and we’ll go to the park Friday after school”).
5. Explain the Chart
Talk to your child about the behavior chart. Make it clear that the chart is about giving your child a chance to get recognition for all of their positive behaviors—not about punishing them. Give your child a chance to ask questions and explain that it’s up to them to earn privileges and rewards.
6. Use Praise
It’s important to use praise in addition to the behavior chart. Then, as your child learns new behaviors and masters new skills, you can phase out your rewards and use praise only.
7. Adjust as Needed
Adjust reward systems as needed. Make goals harder if too easy or simpler if too challenging. As your child improves, focus on new behaviors. If the chart gets boring, try using tokens they can trade for rewards.
Using Reward Charts
Watch the video to view a deep dive of reward charts.
When you implement a new reward system, be careful to not use the reward chart as a form of punishment! If you take away points or tokens, your child may feel bad, hopeless, and lose interest in the system.
Four Steps to Set Limits
Setting limits is a necessary part of parenting, but it can also be confusing.
Select the video below to consider the steps in setting limits, then review the additional tips for setting limits.
These additional tips for setting limits will help you implement this strategy.
- Consider the rules and consequences you want to use: Set age-appropriate, fair rules for everyone, with realistic consequences you’re ready to enforce.
- Make a request or state the rule: Get your child’s attention with eye contact. Be clear, brief, and use “I” statements, like “I want you to wash up for supper.”
- Explain consequences: State clear, calm consequences, like “If you don’t finish your algebra homework, you won’t be able to join us for family movie night tonight.”
- Follow through with the consequences: The key to setting limits is following through. If you don’t, reconsider your rules and consequences. It’s vital to keep your word.
How One Veteran Set Limits
Play the video below to listen to a Veteran discuss setting limits with his daughter.
Ignoring Challenging Behavior
This strategy is most effective for managing behaviors like nagging, whining, or tantrums in younger children. Ignore the misbehavior when it is safe to do so, remain consistent, and quickly give positive attention for appropriate behavior.
Select the arrow below to review some tips for ignoring challenging behavior.
Use ignoring as a strategy for behaviors such as nagging, whining, or temper tantrums. Do not ignore your child if they are in danger of hurting themselves or others.
When ignoring your child’s misbehavior, avoid eye contact, talking, touching, or reacting in any way. While ignoring misbehavior, look for appropriate behavior to positively reinforce with attention, even if it’s just a break in the child’s temper tantrum. Keep in mind that this discipline strategy works best with younger children.
Be consistent! Realize the targeted behavior will often get worse before it gets better. Your child may have learned that if they nag, whine, or cry long enough, they’ll usually get their way.
Show your child positive attention for an appropriate behavior as soon as possible after ignoring their misbehavior.
For example, if your child has a tantrum over bedtime, ensure they’re safe, ignore the behavior, and focus on another task. Once they calm down, give them attention for returning to this calmer state. Then you can calmly restate what you need them to do.
"Taking Responsibility" Technique
Taking responsibility works as a discipline strategy for all ages, even toddlers. When your child misbehaves and you have them take responsibility for their behavior, you let the natural and logical consequences of their behavior be the “punishment.” There are two ways to let the consequences of your child’s misbehavior BE the punishment: natural consequences and logical consequences.
Select each button below to watch a brief explanation of each method of encouraging your child to take responsibility for their actions.
Time-Out/Time-In
The time-out technique means moving your child to a specific spot right after they misbehave. They stay there safely and quietly until the timer goes off. Being calm, consistent, and setting clear rules helps your child understand the consequences of their actions and learn how to calm themselves. It’s important to decide ahead of time which behaviors will lead to a time-out. You should also teach and practice self-soothing strategies in advance, using examples and reminders.
Another option is the “time-in” approach, where children work with their caregivers to find calming strategies together. They can use a designated space with calming tools when they feel big emotions or might act out. Both time-out and time-in can be positive, effective ways to help children learn self-control and improve their behavior.
It can also be important as a parent, whether using the time-out or time-in technique, to remember to use your own calming skills to cope with the situation, which can be challenging at times.
Select the arrow below to review the steps in implementing a time-out/time-in action.
Lead child
Lead your child to the time-out area immediately after the misbehavior.
State rule
State the rule that was broken in a neutral but firm tone. Remind your child that the break helps them make a better choice when they return.
Remember: Your goal is not to shame your child or make them angry (though they may become upset).
Guide child
Direct or bring your child to the time-out area.
Model tools
Remind your child of how they like to calm down and model it for them if they need you to.
Set timer
Set a timer and tell them they can get up when the timer goes off.
Review behavior
When the timer goes off, remind your child of the broken rule. Ask them what they will do another way next time.
If they are having a tantrum, let them know they can leave time-out once the timer ends and they are calm. This will help your child learn how to calm themselves.
Time-in is a slightly different variation on time-out. Instead of having the child go to a different location and consider the impact of what they have done, the parent or caregiver stays with the child, talks them through their thoughts and feelings, and helps them regulate their emotions.
Select each card below to receive a tip for a successful time-out/time-in strategy.
Loss of Privileges
When using this strategy, you will temporarily remove or take away a valued activity or item, such as visiting friends or using a phone. This approach works best with older children and teens. It only has two steps: identify what your child values, and remove this privilege for a specific period of time when your child breaks a rule.
Never remove essentials from a child, such as depriving them of multiple meals, their bed, or affection of their parent or caregivers. It is also important to review the plan with your child, so they know what is being removed and the timeframe. Make sure the timeframe is age-appropriate and reasonable, not too harsh or unenforceable. For example, “You can’t see your friends for the next year” is likely too severe and unenforceable.
Play the video to hear about how one Veteran’s family uses this strategy.
Review Positive Strategies
Positive Discipline Strategies
Help Linda use positive strategies to discipline her child. For each of the following situations, select the best approach.
Spanking and Physical Punishment
Opinions on using spanking and physical punishment vary widely. Some parents may be concerned that not using spanking as a tool can cause children to grow up to be spoiled, or disrespectful. In fact, research has shown the opposite is true! A study in 2016 that looked at outcomes in over 160,000 children showed that spanking was actually associated with more behavioral and emotional problems, such as defiance, aggression, thinking issues, lower self-esteem, mental health problems, and parent-child relationship issues (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016). Spanking was also shown to increase risk for physical abuse. There are safer and more effective options for teaching your children discipline.
Play the video to hear about how one Veteran’s family thinks about spanking.
Wrap-Up
As we’ve seen, there are many types of discipline. Sometimes, natural consequences can do the teaching for us. Having discipline that is age-appropriate, immediate, and logically connected to the issue makes it much more effective. There are several tools to support this type of discipline. You have to find what works best for you and you child. While it may not be perfect, consistent practice is what makes the biggest difference.
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